I typed the 4 letters with as much emphasis as I could across my Facebook status.
Oh, I was D-O-N-E.
A little earlier I had posted up a photo of a white flag. Surrender. I give up. And as has been my experience lately, no one picked up on the cue. There was a song lyric running through my head “Can anybody hear her? Does anybody see? ”
Screaming out my frustration on Facebook, and no one listening. It made me even angrier, made me feel even more isolated and ignored. Oh I was DONE. Done with struggling with finances. Done with working so hard with no result. Done with looking like a failure. Done with fighting hard for people who didn’t care for me. Done with loving and having my heart broken. Done with … it all.
I walked into Wednesday night service with a chip on my shoulder. No Bible in hand. No paper to write. I gathered a container of free popcorn at the front and sat down, ready to be angry at God for another hour. Oh, I came, Lord. You can’t say I didn’t show up. But perhaps You read my Facebook status, even if no one else did. I am Done. Fried. Exhausted. Sad. Alone….
But as usual, His Word started to nudge me. Poke. Cajole. Like a friend trying to cheer you up when you are sad, I found myself smiling but saying “Stop! I don’t want to hear truth. I want to be mad right now…” But then the Pastor did something that made me sit up straight in my chair, eyes wide. He had written a word across the top of the whiteboard, in bold, capital letters.
Honestly, I can’t even tell you what he was talking about. I was in shock. I just saw those 4 letters, flashing neon, and heard Him speaking in my heart “Are you listening now?” Oh, I was listening. And then Pastor erased the 4 letters and wrote 7 more .
I was stunned. But all of a sudden my lamentations of a few hours earlier rushed back at me. I didn’t have what I wanted. People weren’t treating me like I deserved. I was not receiving what I had coming to me. I didn’t like the way people were thinking of me. And I hung my head. Thoughts of anger at God gave way to deep regret and shame. How could I – the one who loves Him, the one who claims to follow Him, the one who shows Him to others, how could I have gotten there? How could I have shoved all the grace, the mercy, the favor, the provision, the LOVE to the back of my mind and focused on what I was missing? How could I forget the amazing ways He has spoken to others through me to heal their pain? How could I?
He is a loving God. A Father who corrects, but He never points something out and leaves you stuck there. The words of the teaching began washing over me…how the teacher had only met one person in his life who had TRULY walked according to the Spirit of God. Trusting every moment, every decision, every movement to the Spirit’s leading. How Christians quote all the verses but don’t trust the Spirit. Not really. And the longing rose up in me in a way I have never experienced before. ME, LORD. I want that to be ME. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I want to be the one who lives the life You came to offer and made possible…
I WANT TO BE DONE. I want to be done with mediocrity and not trusting God with my whole heart. I want to be done living by the rules of a world which does not honor Him. I want to be done giving Him 80% but reserving the right to pout if I don’t like His ways.
Just a day earlier, I had marveled at the quick succession that a scripture verse was presented to me, 4 times in as many hours. It now resonated in my head. It was as if He had spoken it to me Himself, because let’s face it – He did. He was setting me up for this very moment.
Matthew 16:24-26 Then said Jesus unto His disciples, “If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it.”
Now I understood. The Lord was asking me to be done, but not in the way I thought. I need to finally come to the end of myself. And be DONE with my old life and its expectations.
His ways are not my ways.
His Will be done.
Once and for all.
And the song lyric ran through my head. “Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? ”
Oh yes, He does. Amazing love.